Died Flowers

I don't know what changed, maybe I did or maybe everyone else just goes with the flow but I'm stuck on trying to make everyone else laugh on my jokes and it eventually dies down. I don't know what changed, maybe they found no more interest in me and I feel empty from not being searched for anymore and not being loved as a close friend like I used to be. It still matters, trying to make my close friends laugh to my jokes or just simply notice I am always there with them. It still matters until I feel like it almost doesn't anymore, like I'm just another one of those annually thrown-out-of-the-group annoying girls we 'threw', annually since seventh grade. My closest friend since sixth grade ditched me for her phone, I was never that close to my other two friends, and the other one who I shared secrets with also distanced away, but at least not so much. At least she still appreciates me. I don't feel like being one of them anymore, I don't even know why I ever was in the first place. Was it just a bond over the same acquaintance, forced by the universe in a join everyone else is scared of? I don't even feel like that. I don't even know what I want anymore. 

The point is, my friends don't feel like they're my friends anymore, and who knows what changes or what shifted in our plates of our little strong-bonded called universe, but it changed. And I feel it deep to my soul. And it hurts, you know. It hurts that they don't look for me, they don't even notice if I was there or not, and they just don't care. Maybe I'm being harsh on these words and I'm overreacting, as my closest friend would say that I'm too pessimistic. There isn't any denial in that state she gave. But really, I am tired on being pushed around, having to please everyone else, but if I stayed quiet they all think I'm mad. I'm tired of everyone thinking of that. These days I feel like I want to disappear into another life, and just try to start over everything, not fuck it up like I always did. I don't know if I did or if it's just a change in our little universe, but like I said, it had changed. But if there's a question about what will I do then, I won't know what the answer is, either.