It's been more than a year since the last time I wrote on this platform. And this made me think of the reasons why I haven't been writing as often as I used to for the past year, when writing was (and I guess still is) one of my best therapy sessions. A personal one, at least. I guess it never bothered me anymore to write or, generally speaking, express my thoughts and opinions to the world (even though this platform isn't the world). Anyway, I might know one of the reasons, I guess.
For the past year, most of the time now, I am already used to being called stupid. My actions are stupid, what I say mostly are stupid, I am stupid. However in this case, I am not academically speaking. My friends call me stupid most of the time for the course of my actions, and I've been called that a lot I started believing it myself. Well, I actually am stupid. And by stupid I think I am acting impulsive involuntarily. And it's getting often now that it's bothering me, too.
Most of the time I would say or do something involuntarily, which I would regret afterwards. A lot of these actions involve my friends, too, and because of my involuntary actions, they would be pissed at me. This made me think a lot. Why did I say that? Why did I do that? If I didn't make that decision wouldn't have everything been better by now?
There was this one time I strolled around a mall by myself, and I walked into a toiletry store famous for its beautiful scents. I looked around the scented candle section and found, of course, a wide variation of beautiful scented candles. As I smelled these scented candles, I came across one that smells of fresh flowers, which instantly reminded me of my best friend. She had her birthday just about two days before that, and she would have a birthday celebration after. I wanted to buy that candle for her, because she loves scented candles and also fresh flowers. The point is, I just wanted to buy that candle for her because it's just really her. But then I contacted my friends in a group chat we created (for the planning of her birthday surprise) and asked if they wanted to join me on buying that candle for her, because if they didn't want to, I would still buy it for her under only my own name. They mostly were like, "Whatever, Gab, do whatever you want.". Of course I bought that candle.
A few days later when we've given our gift to her, and we were alone without her, one of my friends just sarcastically said that we could've given her something else, or wait, we could've given her that candle she wanted from that specific store (not the store I bought it from)! Well, but anyway, Gaby's made an impulsive decision already so what could we do?
When she said that, I was just thinking about it. Why did I make such an impulsive decision? It's not difficult to think about my actions in the long term, so why was I really... Stupid? It's just getting too often that I made impulsive decisions and do things involuntarily that it would cause an effect on other things and other people. Maybe my friends are right, that I am stupid, and for that I recently just agreed and stayed quiet to think before I do something to be regretted. If that means to be mocked stupid over and over again even though they were just joking around, well I guess so be it. They'd rather have me stay quiet and nod when they mock me rather than saying something really brutal but then being mocked again for angrily protesting them and hurt their feelings, right?
But like they said, the hardest parts in life are the ones that actually would make you a real learning person. So I guess having them do this to me probably is making me a person, too. But anyway, what I wanted to say in the beginning was that maybe this was one of the reasons why I stopped writing my mounting thoughts and feelings. Because I'm used to keeping my feelings to myself and just nod along, and I can't tell anyone else how I feel about them really just being like this to me. I know they're just joking around on me and they've been really awesome and kind and they're just there for me, but being this way kind of stressed me out.
Anyway, maybe this is a lesson for me to stop doing everything without thinking about it for the long term first. This is also a lesson for me not to take impulsive decisions, and, just think about everything else before I do things.
Oh and by the way, I wrote about this post on my phone the night before and the blogger app was really shitty. I was ready to post this and it couldn't be posted, so I have this reflex of pressing the cancel option, and it was gone. My whole writing was gone, and that writing was less emotional than this one and it was definitely more controlled. This writing felt emotional and quick (because I've written this before and I just feel the need to get it out there so I needed to repeat it), but it wasn't as good as the original writing. And that also makes me feel emotional.
Good night x
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